| of dreams & love |
[Sunday, November 11th 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 touched |
] |
i have been nursing a wounded && dejected heart ever since mr buns went away on his training tour. all these nights while mr buns was away, my mind went into overdrive && brought me to many places:
i went back to the 1st night that i met the infamous rabbit. i remembered feeling foolishly delirious & elated. the entire scene just whirl-winded through && the next image that flashed in was about that night when i was at zouk with him & we had a major fall-out (though i cannot remember over what issue). i woke up & my heart instantaneously thought about everything that he represents to me. the following night i found myself strangely in my junior college's prayer room. mr j && i were sobbing our eyes out over a misunderstanding that we had (no thanks to the manipulative form teacher!). the next moment, i was back in the broken-down container classroom, having an ugly confrontation with the nicholas teo. that memory broke my heart; it had killed whatever little that was left of the relationship. then, there was him: the first person that ever came close to my lil' prince. it was a classic scenario, the kind of awakening realisation & intense connection at first sight. even if it was at the very unromantic morning assembly. it was as if you knew the person for a long time ... even before you breathe your first word to each other. it was also the classic scenario, whereby i chose to listen to the mind's morals lecturings && not what the heart seeked; i let it go. there never was an ending. that was the price i had to pay. i paid a visit to the most unabashed & defiantly charming boy i was to know. from the first moment, i knew i was going to be broken by his soul. nonetheless, i silently wished him into my class & it was granted two weeks later. he crashed his way into my heart with bold declarations & at times, subtle displays. the last fleeting image was of him mischievously playing with a waterpolo ball "i am a waterpolo player" & everything blurred out. the final dream became the connecting factor. i was sitting in the bus & standing right beside me was a schoolboy i had secretly admired for the past 3 years. i never knew his name ... but today, he finally had his nametag on! when i looked up to sneak a peek, it read "xx xxx xxxxx". oh, very fugly name for such an eye candy! however, at that very precise moment, i woke up. wide-eyed; i finally understand the purpose of all these dreams in the past nights.
i have been thinking if the decision i made when i stood at the cross-road was correct. somehow all these little night trips made me see things i have not noticed. it made me comprehend that certain past events were to serve a purpose for the future. && when i pieced these bittersweet memories, i saw the intended message for me && its assurance: this time round, with my happy shoes, i am finally walking down the yellow-brick road.
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| Paul Van Dky |
[Monday, August 20th 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
aw, long awaited arrival of Paul "The God" Van Dky
forgive my weak heart ~
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| Connection |
[Monday, March 26th 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 listless |
] |
the dear ones who understood me well will know that there is not one night when i go to sleep without a single dream. i believed i inherited this "thing" from Mumsy which she curbs by drinking herself to sleep each night. sometimes they are senseless dramatic presentation. at times, they are a reflection of what's to come.
the past two weeks were very traumatizing; there were moments when i was lost in between & caught speechless. having said that, all the dreams materialized to some heart-breaking episodes: the true intention behind his trip to Japan, charlotte's impending departure & of cos, a queer sleep-sms-ing to someone who i have always kept close to my heart but never dared speak to.
while sometimes this situation allows me to prepare myself mentally for the worst but each time it happens, it leaves a big empty feeling deep within. at the end of the day, i still don't know how to cope with the insight.
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| (a)N(ti) |
[Sunday, March 18th 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
Each time I walked around the streets of KL, I have always wondered if I would bump into her ( & of cos, what I wld do if i did). I wondered if I wld behave the same way i did when she trespass my personal space... but I also know, for sure, that I have since then left everything behind & the least I wld expect was an apology.
ha, d r e a m o n ... *roll eyeballs*
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| Habits |
[Thursday, March 8th 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeful |
] |
appreciation.
there are certain habits or routines that any individual will find it hard to escape. an recurring occurence that you have trouble inching away from. however, when the habit stops, subconsciously, you will feel an insatiable itch inside. that habit died for this particular reason. an action to rouse a reaction. maybe the death of a habit also impose a death sentence on the heart. it has cease longing for the anticipated reaction.
if there's something you can do for someone you love, never stop doing it. if you are at the receiving end, don't disregard it. for example, never stop loving & always love the person who is loving you.
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|
| Of short Goodbyes |
[Tuesday, January 2nd 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
i've always believed that for every beginning, there is an ending.
my ending with JMS finally came back on the 29th. thankfully, it was a peaceful && quiet albeit a 'painful' departure.
the HOD, Mr. Jeffrey, was on two days Medical Leave *ha!* my superior, Mr. Ben, was on Annual Leave. in short, there was no one to question me on any last minute projects, hand-over && most importantly, farewell tête-à-tête. i count myself lucky to be able to escape the Farewell speech i was required to give to my surbordinates. i loathe && deplore goodbyes *shivers~*
what really was memorable was an incident that happened during lunch. it kind of placed a permanent && complete full-stop to my short experience at JMS. on my 1st day of work, i hit my head against the automated door && ironically enough, i fell down the stairs on my last day of work. so i left JMS with much ugly bruises (6 to be exact) && a nortorious legacy. coincidences are sweet in its own ways at times =)
&& it is heartening to know that i have surpassed my predecessor, the infamous Mr. Stanley Wee and made a deeper impression in my superiors && surbordinates. i am consoled that i am leaving at my peak, where i will always be remembered in a good way. but this came to my knowledge only after i tendered my resignation. i wish they had dispensed their appreciation && gratification more often *le sigh~*
in any case, this is a dear farewell to twothousandsix && a warm welcome to twothousandseven.
cheers and merry to the new year, babes =)
|
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| Absentee |
[Wednesday, November 29th 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 guilty |
] |
i tried to give myself a hundred and one reasons to justify my irresponsible actions at work.
e.g.:
[a] these people lack the simplest form of trust, compassion and empathy
[b] these people have been brewed, cooked and fried inside the Company's Culture far too long
[c] these people define 'loyalty' differently, if not wrongly (read: only deserving for people above the rank of a Supervisor)
[d] these people have a queer idea that we are all clones from the same Mother body (hence we can decipher even the simplest facial expression)
when in fact, it is just one plain fact: it is a Japanese Company, through & through. right down to the astonishing reason why i end work at 5.50pm instead of 5pm? 5.30pm? 6pm? it was never my intention to sterotype nor generalize but sometimes, darn it, they asked for it. honestly, i have no interest in The Toyota Way, Kanban System, BPS. to me, if a company is to be successful, it can be very simple: compassion.
when your company reacts so indifferently towards you, you slowly become indifferent too. of cos, jus because circumstances present itself in certain ways doesn't neccessary equates the anticipation of certain behavior from an individual. nonetheless, it is hard to convince yourself to react in a positive manner.
a mentor once told me this: "i am happy at work everyday. why? because as long as i am getting paid by the company, i have a responsibility to perform my duties every single day. otheriwse, quit. if not, work hard and be happy." this was one messenge i had passed on to my co-workers, as an encouragement, a little pick-me-up when the tides get rough. ironically, i would become the 1st to submit my resignation letter.
i was never actively looking for a new job; these were old resumes answered too late. when the chance came, i accepted it even though my guilt was consuming me. i felt like a frog in the well when i went for my HP interview. they had so many practices there that were like taboo or damnation in my current company. 15mins into my interview, i finally surrendered to the cliche exclamation of 'never work for a Japanese company'.
i love and adore the nature of my job *cross my heart* but like they all say, it is the people that kill the job, not the job itself. e.g. i don't understand how the top management expects their workers to climb up four flights of stairs, take off their cleanroom boots, strip off their cleanroom jumpsuit, change into their company slippers, have a break, visit the loo (optional), put on hairnet, take off the slippers, put on their cleanroom jumpsuit, the boots, wash their hands, step into the air shower room and get down four flights of stairs ... all in 10mins. if it wasn't a cleanroom environment, 10mins break is reasonable, but hello? an extra 5mins will not hurt. right right, we are a manufacturing company, where time is gold and every single 0.00001 sec is precious. if you flip the coin & look at it from another point, have you ever imagine what will happen if you incur the wrath of your operators and they decide to give job a miss? now, that will be result an unbearable consequence.
from the 1st day i stepped into the company, it was one battle after another. honestly, i am getting really jaded. yes, it may be the same everywhere but it doesn't matter to me. i just don't wish to feel so helpless everytime i cannot fight for the welfare of my operators & supervisors. the way these people look at them *shivers* make them less than human, incapable of anything bigger than a 10year old kid. it is a very simple equation; if you are calculative with them, they will be calculative back towards you.
there is no such things as the grass is greener on the other side; grass is grass. and i do not deny that i am feeling very awful for acting so irresponsible. worse, i feel like a criminal for dragging my supervisors through the mud.
these 3days of MC will be my last holiday before i dust myself off and return to work tomorrow. ladies, if you see a jaded, solemn or red-eyed Pamela tomorrow, please know that it is just temporary.
|
|
| Smile. |
[Thursday, September 28th 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
optimistic |
] |
There was a moment, a rather long ... moment, when I could not handle my seeming sky-high work load. i caved in after what it felt like 365 days of fighting a battle that nvr came to a point when i had beaten the odds. && he came into my dreams one night, as usual, to teach me Life's little lessons.
Pamcakes, smile.
No. I won't and I can't. If you insists, this is what I will do. (I stood upside down, hands on the floor leaning against the wall for support) Do I look like I am smiling now?
he smiled.
&& sang the lines to an unfamilar song,
" smile, though your heart is breaking smile, even though it is aching (... ...) if you smile through your pain and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow, (...) you will find the sun come shinning through for you (... ...) smile, what's the use in crying"
I am learning to be responsible to my work, the people below me and above me, and most importantly, to myself. Honestly, I love my work. Cross my heart. It is unpredictable and enriching but I would prefer if certain circumstances exist and certain do not. Having said that, it is also ridiculous to be pinning for an image that probably cannot materialise.
&& i did what he taught me to do. Actually, I made it better. Laugh. I laugh whenever i feel like i am sinking under. I have learnt to hold my head up high & not be intimidated even when my manager is raging mad and doing The Alex Ferguson. But, yes, I am still terrified of certain Management Personnel who likes to undress me with their eyes. Ha!
|
|
| JMS Medical |
[Tuesday, July 11th 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
I am starting work at JMS Medical as a Production Controller this coming Monday.
=)
God's grace, absolutely!
♥
|
|
| transit lounge, no, i can't fly |
[Thursday, June 22nd 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
let go. let go.
sometimes it ever cross my mind that perhaps, by some sort of nasty twist of fate, i am stuck in a different dimension. i keep holding on onto certain dreams and expectations from those around me that somehow, with the change in seasons and cycles, have become terribly unrealistic and a huge fiasco. did i get caught in the sweet reverie of memories and forget to move forward?
i need to hit // f a s t - f o r w a r d .
i can't stay in the transit lounge anymore because no one is coming back for me.
goodbye ...
|
|
| 1st Interview |
[Saturday, June 17th 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeful |
] |
I would like to think that I did not spend 4 years studying an Engineering degree for nothing i.e. at the end of the day, I nv ever was an Engineer.
I do know that the crossroad I am standing at currently will either lead me to instand happiness or self-taught. If i turn right, I know I will be mad at myself for slogging thru' an Engineering degree and hitting myself for almost losing my life over a stupid decision made 6 years ago. I mean, I wanted to do Arts when I was in JC but I was afraid I can't feed myself when i am 22 and I wanted to do Arts again when I was in university but, again, I was afraid I won't be able to feed myself at 22! Hence it was Science in JC ... Engineering in University. However, if i turn left, will i be truly happy or simply upset for being stuck in a clean room under a jumpsuit for the next 2-5 years?
The old saying/superstition about one should not gossip/complain too much or else that very misfortune will befall onto oneself seems to be a fact. My dear girls, do you remember working in IBM one November 8 years back? Goodness, I was stuck in a clean room for 3 weeks and it was pure torture. It was such so unbearable that I sneaked home one afternoon and almost got into trouble!
8 years ago, I told myself there was no way I was ever ... read me ... EVER ... step into a clean room or work in semiconductor/microelectronics industry. Hey, but look where Life brought me to. Not only was I in the Engineering industry ... I had to be closely related to it ... semester after semester I did related modules cos I know I will be fed well and it is a very safe boat to be in ... I even hopped into a cleanroom AGAIN during my Industrial Attachment and at this very last junction ... I was seriously going to be stuck in one, for a very long time.
Yes, life brings many surprises. And as much as I hate it, I still know that if I turn left and end up suicidal, I can still dive into the endless unpredictable ocean and perhaps ... just drown
No, seriously, honestly, definitely, I want to do the race before I quit the race =)
*laughs*
|
|
| Final Sunset |
[Monday, June 5th 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thankful |
] |
Honors Classification: Passed With Merit.
*ponders*
despite ...
inspite ...
regardless ...
since all i wanted was to get both feet out of NTU, i think the lousiest 'class' of Honors obtained still calls for a celebration =)
*Yipez!!!!*
|
|
| skip a little |
[Sunday, June 4th 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
mellow |
] |
Post-graduation, if according to very reliable sources, has been rather physically uneventful though emotionally strained.
1. Knitting
During the semester, I was 24/7 yearning to pick up a pair of knitting needles & knit beautiful clothes for my little petites.
2. Working Part-Time
Initially, I thought I had it covered but ... *sheepish* let's just say that these plans back-fired. Honestly, I hate being dependent on others for something so basic but horrendously essential!
3. MPS
Yes, I have always wanted to be more involved as it really makes a huge difference. I think I can't spend any 4hrs in a more meaningful way than this. The catch here is, I do not really know anybody there and it can be rather intimidating & daunting.
However, (a) my time got occupied with completing the cross-stitch (currently, it is still incomplete *oops!*) which will be a gift for my sister's new flat (b) acting as a free slave for my sister (c) spending all the lost time with my lil' i-wanna-pinch-your-cheeks godsister (d) absolutely polluted by Dan Brown's radical books (e) bitting my names xxtimes a day whenever I check to see if the examination results are release (f) wandering what I can do to convince the examiners to allow me to graduate if I ever so happen to fail (g) worrying about my umemployment status.
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| i like words to be worn in a safe fashion |
[Monday, May 29th 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 gloomy |
] |
i think, sometimes, words in written fashion hurt.
if words are strung in a different manner, perhaps, it will keep you safer.
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